Seeing Red at Red's Porch

© Candice Adams / RumBum.com

Thinking about trying Red's Porch? Don't bother.

Red’s Porch, a new restaurant/bar/pub on South Lamar in Austin, is a two story monument to sports and flat screen TVs. With ample outdoor seating and a second floor that is exposed to the elements, it is a curiosity that Red’s only opened a week before Thanksgiving, at the tail end of Fall and right before the “cold” season in Texas. While they have and are currently installing many more outdoor space heaters, most patrons were snuggled inside. The happy hour crowd was lively and bustling, but whether Red’s will be able to maintain this crowd and attract others is highly dubious.

Most obvious from first glance is the millions of dollars invested into the building, design, and décor of this Frankenstein creation of part restaurant and part bar. If it’s a restaurant, then that would explain the sound of crying children and the hostess at door who asks how many in your party (the only self seating is around the bar), but fails to answer why there are more appetizers than entrees and why the drink list is far longer than the food menu. If it’s a bar, then that would explain why the bar occupies the majority of the space and the long line of taps and wide variety of bottle and draft domestics and imports, but begs the question of why the bartender can’t pour a decent drink.

The Drinks

On Thursday, the drink special includes ½ off a Swirl Rita and $2.50 High Life Tallboys. While discounted High Life isn’t enough to attract people, Austinites will travel for a good margarita. Unfortunately, they won’t find one here. The Swirl Rita somehow manages to be sickeningly sweet with no taste. But this is an epidemic problem for Red’s bar because the Sweet Tea Arnold Palmer tasted like a glass of alcoholic Sweet N’ Low. Although the drinks could be salvaged by adding a lot of lemon and lime to combat the overwhelming amount of simple syrup, these drinks need to be taken back to formula. If you go, stick to the non-happy hour beers.

The Food

From 3-7 every Monday-Friday, Red’s gives a half priced discount on select appetizers – wings, onion rings, two kinds of queso, and chili fries. Judging by the queso, it would be the only way to get rid of them. The queso was soupy and bland and the chips had a funky aftertaste like they were fried in old grease (probably because they were fried in old grease). The non-happy hour food on the menu, such as the biscuits and gravy and several of the sandwiches were better than the average pub grub, but be ready to pay a moderate ($7.99-$9.99) regular price.

The Vibe

Whether Red's Porch is a bar or a restaurant, it’s sports 24/7. The 10 flat screen TVs, all tuned to different sports stations will highjack your attention. The heated outdoor tent has been overrun by smokers and is not an option for anyone with a sense of smell (although the hostess will try to stick you there). Red’s Porch is all the ambition, with no soul or organization. If Red’s can hold on and pull their act together by Spring, then it could become a favorite outdoor hot spot. If not, this already shaky porch could easily fall apart.